Killing Me With Kindness

Emotionally…I am not doing so well. I feel like I have taken 10 steps backwards- it feels like it did right after it ended exactly two weeks ago. I spoke with him via text last night- asked him to send the letter to the landlord- He said he did. Then he was just being so kind…He asked if I wanted him to move to a different area in the Fall  so that I wouldn’t have to worry about running into him, told me to take the TV we purchased together, anything in the kitchen I wanted (as he would replace it all), said if I ever needed someone to look after the dog he would do it. Said I deserve to be treated well.

Today- in 1.5 hours in fact, I was supposed to leave work early and head to the airport with him. We were supposed to go visit his parents for a week. Instead I will spend my week off at my parents house…trying to pick myself back up. I am moving my stuff out of the apartment next Saturday, so the thought of that is constantly hanging over me. This is all so hard. All so painful. I can’t seem to be optimistic about anything at all…not even for a few seconds. I woke up this morning feeling so sad, so broken, and so lonely. I miss him so much…it hurts. I keep reminding myself that he doesn’t want me, that he isn’t coming back, and that I deserve someone who actually wants to spend their time with me. I still can’t seem to get mad at him. I cant get mad at him for telling me that being with me felt more platonic that passionate. I cant get mad at him for saying that it was hard for him to want to sit on the couch all evening to watch TV with me. He didn’t say those things in a mean way…he was just being honest with how he felt. I can’t fault him for that…he can’t and shouldn’t force feelings. I don’t know why I’ve put him on such a pedestal. I can’t seem to take him down.

I want this feeling of brokenness to go away. I want to feel like me again. I want to feel whole. The fear of that never happening is still very much at the forefront of my thoughts…its only been two weeks, but at the same time its been two weeks. The only real change is that I’m eating almost a normal amount of food again. The sadness, the pain, the heartache is still just as strong. I should be feeling even a tiny shift in the right direction, shouldn’t I? The longing should have lessened a tiny miniscule bit, shouldn’t it? I don’t want to want him at all. I want to be ok with the fact that he is gone, that he let me go, discarded me…us….our future. And that’s just it….HE let us go. HE did this to me. HE is the reason each and every day is an absolute struggle to get through. HE is the reason I am not feeling myself…the reason why I don’t feel like making any effort in my appearance when I go out or go to work. HE is the reason I want to spend my days on the couch or in bed wallowing.

I just feel so overwhelmed. Swallowed by all of this intense negative emotion. I feel like I’m drowning and there is no way out. I want to get over this, get over him, feel like a normal 30 year old…but I am so scared that I wont. That this will be my life from now on….

Stuck

I feel so stuck. I hate having to rely on others before I can move forward….and its made even worse in the emotional mental state I’ve been in for the past week and a half. I am trying to find a new, decent place to live in the same neighbourhood…the real estate friend is not getting back to me, I haven’t heard from him since Monday despite me sending an email yesterday and once this morning. I understand people get busy…but it still stresses me out. I am also worried that I wont be able to rent a place of my own if my name is the secondary name on another lease (the one I rent with my ex). We are still in the first year of that lease so if we are allowed to break it there will likely be a financial penalty…which is fine with me. The thing is, in order for my name to be taken off of that lease, the landlord needs a letter each from myself and my ex stating that he (the ex) is aware I am moving out. Then they will reapply him to rent on his own (or he can see if the lease can be broken early) I relayed this information to him via text yesterday, and asked him if he could do it today (yesterday) or tomorrow (today). His one line response was ‘ok, I’ll look into it’. I have no idea when he plans on doing it, if at all- but I know he is a decent person so I hope for my sake he does so quickly. I still have not yet heard back from the storage unit place to see if they will have a unit opening August 1st for me to keep my things in until I find a place. I did however manage to book the service elevator for August 5th, so atleast I can move my things out that day for sure. Small victory! If I have to keep everything in my parents garage and then move it all to my Dads house when he moves at the end of August then so be it. My main concern is finding a place to live. I feel so stuck. I know I will relax a little when I have a place to call my own- then and only then I will truly be able to move onward.

I feel this constant wave of anxiety and stress pulsating through my body. That in itself is torture. I also had a dream about him last night. Today I keep having flashbacks of the happy times over the past year and a bit. I hate that. I hate that my mind keeps torturing me like this…meanwhile he is likely doing his own thing, emotionally over the sadness of me not being in his life, moving forward. I’m here, stuck in this emotional hell every.single.day. I just want to scream and run away from it all- keep running until I am far away from everyone and everything. Then I want to sleep- I want to sleep for months until all of this is sorted and my head is more clear. I nearly had a panic attack in my bosses office near the end of the day yesterday because of all of this- its just so overwhelming at times. I just feel so stuck in, like I cant handle this, I can’t do it. I know that that kind of talk is dangerous and will only keep me in this mind-set but fighting for optimism and any tiny shred of happiness is so exhausting. Having to show up to work and fake happy perkiness for 8.5 hours a day while trying to deal with all of this shit on the side is exhausting. I just cant do it anymore, and it hasn’t even been two weeks- I don’t know how much more of this I can take- day in and day out. Never ending.

If anyone out there has been where I am now (or can relate in any way)…I would LOVE to hear how you got through it…the good the bad and the ugly. I know I am not alone, and I am not the first person to be dealing with this…It’s just nice to be reminded of that with some real life concrete examples.

Unsettled

Today I am feeling unsettled. I am trying to just look forward but I keep being drawn back into the past. I talked to him last night via text…just a message to let him know that I was planning on moving my things out August 5th, and to let me know how much I owe for rent. He said he would let me know. He also apologized again, saying that he cant say it enough to make up for this.

It was another nail in the coffin of our dead and gone relationship. His sadness is different from mine. His is of guilt for hurting me, mine is of missing him and wanting him back. Through that one text message I know that he doesn’t miss me. He isn’t regretting his decision. He is definitely not coming back. I felt like I wanted to throw up. I feel like any progress I have made has been pushed back, like I have to pick myself back up again. I know I am expecting too much of myself too quickly. It hasn’t even been two weeks, yet I am frustrated that I am not feeling more ‘normal’. I am impatient by nature, always have been. Having to slow things down, feel all of the shitty feelings, let them out over and over, day by day…its doing my head in. I want to break free and be past all of this already, I want to be on the other side smiling, happy and whole again. I know there is no specific timeline for that happening, but everyone has said it will ‘take awhile’. I can feel myself screaming inside out of frustration. Unfortunately I also now know that in order to feel happy normal and whole again I need to go through these things. I need to be patient, to repair my heart. I keep trying to set timelines ‘maybe in September I can feel more like the old me’ ‘maybe in October I can begin to move on’. My therapist says I need to stop that, and I know she is right. I need to live in the moment, live day by day. Focus on whatever I am feeling at the time. But I need an end date- I need to know that this isn’t going to drag on for 6 months or a year. Its a constant battle in my head of trying to rush forward and get past it all, and trying to slow down and feel whatever I need to feel.

I also feel out of place. I have nowhere to call ‘home’…no place to feel grounded. My parents house is basically packed up- out by the end of August. My Dads new house is just that- his. I will always have a place to stay there and for that I am grateful…but it is not my own. The hunt continues for a place of my own. The stress and worry creeping in and staying put right from the minute I wake up- free floating around all day. Sleep is still inconsistent and restless. I feel like once I have my own place, then I will truly be able to re-build, move on, start fresh. Until then I feel like I am going to be trapped in this state of mind…the agony, the uncertainty.

Despite how it may seem I really am trying to be optimistic. Optimistic that I will find a place to live, in the neighborhood I want. Optimistic that I will meet new friends and have a great life on my own in Toronto. Optimistic that when the time is right, I will meet a decent, kind guy who actually wants to be with me and the dog. But fear is optimisms greatest enemy.

A New Week

A new week has begun. Breathing is a little easier, being awake is a little easier, optimism and hope seem to be sticking around for longer periods of time. The stabs of pain still come and go, random bursts of tears, anxiety and fear- of the loss and of the future- pop up when I least expect it. I do feel like I have turned a tiny corner though.

This weekend, while lounging on a giant inflatable swan, can of rose wine in one hand, sunglasses on, The Verve’s ‘Bitter Sweet Symphony’ coming out of the Bose speaker, I felt a sense of calm come over me. It was the first time in a long time that I felt normal, (almost) stress-free, and I knew that everything would eventually be ok. After said can of rose wine I even got up the courage to go into my phone and delete all of the pictures of us. That was hard. Re-living and removing our history in pictures, over a year of my life, the memories, the fun. Gone. I still get breath-stopping moments of sadness. I still miss him so much.

This week my focus is going to be forward: Finding a new place to live, sorting out moving out of where we used to live. Unfortunately it isn’t all cut and dry. Finding a decent, yet affordable place for me to live on my own (with the dog of course, she is my baby) in the same neighborhood is proving difficult. My aunt knows a real estate agent who specializes in finding rentals, so hopefully that will help. The storage unit I wanted to keep my things in until I find a place to live is currently full- so I am waiting to hear back from them to see if they will have an August 1 opening. Tonight…tonight I have to text him. I have to tell him my plans to (hopefully) move out on August 5th, to find out how much my half of the next two months of rent is so I can send it to him. He goes to visit his parents across the country this Friday- a trip we were supposed to take together. A trip I was looking forward to for a very very long time. A trip I will never get to take. When I think of that, the feeling of being stabbed in the chest comes back and it gets hard to breathe. I know it may sound over dramatic…but it is really hard. I don’t want to have to talk to him, but I know I have to. I figure once my things are out, I can begin to move on a little. Once I find place of my own to live in, I can begin to relax, move forward, figure out this new life of mine on my own. Apparently a lot of the buildings in this neighborhood have bed bugs and/or cockroaches- which I found surprising because it is a nice area- REALLY hoping I can find a nice, clean place to live that isn’t far away. Kind of stressed about that. Once I get through those obstacles I will actually begin to heal- nothing will be blocking the way then.

I still keep wishing he would change his mind. I know that isn’t going to happen though. Multiple people have told me that they understand that I am hurting, and that I am sad, but in all likelihood he is not hurting or as sad- he will likely have begun to move on in life already, so I need to do that too. I need to stop focusing on what was, and start focusing on what is. Stop mourning the life I had and the future I thought I would have, and start getting excited about all of the possibilities that are now before me. To be honest though, I’m scared shitless. Scared to live on my own, scared to meet new friends. If I ever DO meet someone worth dating, I worry I won’t be able to trust them. Who’s to say they wont hurt me the same way or worse? I know there is no way to ever know that and that there are indeed some decent people out there- I just find it hard to believe I will be lucky enough to find one. I thought I had…look where that got me…

One Week.

One week. It’s been one full week. Seven whole days. Who knew that such a short amount of time could feel like an eternity?

Today has been slightly more optimistic- I have had split-second glimmers of hope and happiness. They don’t last long, but it still feels nice. The heartache and pain are still there in full force. I still dream about him every night, but last night was the first night since this happened 7 days ago that I actually slept all the way through.

I know the one main thing holding me back is knowing we will have to contact each other regarding the rent on the apartment. I know I need to move my things out as soon as possible, for me- for closure. I am going to rent a storage unit to keep everything in until I find a more permanent place to live. I dread going back there- seeing the place we used to live- the good times, the memories. I need to go in mentally prepared, strong- but all I see is myself falling apart when I walk through the door. He won’t be there, I couldn’t handle that. I can already feel that fresh new wave of pain and agony that packing up and moving out will bring. That sense of finality, of ending, of permanence. I know that it will be good as well- having my stuff out will allow me to be free, to not have a hold on the life that I had, to move forward with the new life I want to live.

Memories are coming in now- this time it is of us walking the dog in the old area of Toronto that he lived in before we moved in together. It was such a beautiful area, and we went on many long walks. So happy, so in love. I know it has only been a week, and I am nowhere near ready to move on with someone new- but that fear is still there. How will I ever be ready to be with someone else when I only want one person? The one person who, for some unfair and unknown reason, does not want or love me back in the same way anymore. How do people do it? How do people manage to shut the door on one part of their life and move on to something new and potentially better? I know it happens all of the time- I know it happens to people who are in worse situations then mine. But why do I feel like I will be the exception? The one person who will remain tortured and stuck in this emotional hell? I know…time- it takes time. But in this moment, 7 days in, this is where I am now. These are the current thoughts going through my head and these are the feelings that I am currently feeling. Will I look back 6 months from now…a year from now…and laugh and tell myself that deep down I knew things would get better? That I would move on? Will my blog post topics shift from the day to day pain and memories of now, to fun and excitement of the future-now? I am hopeful…but I am not 100% convinced. Last night I burst into tears while walking my dog around the block because last year, when I was walking the dog in that exact same spot on that exact same street, I got a sweet Facebook post from him about how lucky he was to have me, how beautiful I am, and how much he missed me (he was away at the time…almost exactly a year ago to the day actually)

This weekend we had had plans. Plans I was looking forward to. Plans that will now never be. Instead this weekend I am going to a friends cottage- it was so nice of her to invite me. Fresh air and a change of scenery will be nice- though it was hard for me to say yes. Everything is hard at the moment- like I said yesterday, even getting out of bed is a struggle- but I know the only way to move forward and onward is to keep busy, keep distracted, and not lay in bed all day (as much as I would love to do that, and only that, until the end of time)

Pushing forward one painful breath at a time…

 

The Emotional Rollercoaster

Well…the emotional rollercoaster that is my life continues. I have been having more ups and downs in a day then I can count- truly is exhausting.

I have always liked Adele…not my main musical-genre preference, but I enjoy her music- but now…NOW its like every song, every word, is written just for me. Sort of makes me cringe at myself haha (SEE I’m starting to laugh again. sort of)

Today started off much the same as the last 5…had to force myself up and out of bed, ready myself for work, look after the dog, emotionally prepare for another day of being human- fast forward to work: get as much done as possible first thing in the morning, before my brain starts its trip. Today I have (in no consecutive order, but in rapid continuous succession) thought that: Maybe things might actually be ok in my life eventually and I will find happiness again; my GOD I have to live on my own; what if I pushed him away with my anxiety (that I thought I was actually starting to get a grip on); what if he is seeing someone else already (cue my eyes welling up at my desk…at work); I think I’m going to buy a new car this Fall; I’m going to be so alone, what if I move out on my own and I have no friends near me- how can I make new friends-I’m so weird and NOT your typical cool classy 30 year old city female; I miss him so so much; Can’t breathe- also that feeling I’m being stabbed in the chest is returning; Hope I sleep better tonight; How can he not want me? HOW could he let me go??!; Maybe in the semi-near-future (but after an appropriate mourning/getting over period) I WILL meet that ‘someone’ randomly…walking the dog…at the gym…etc; No…no I’m pretty sure I’m going to die alone; Yeah alone, sad, in pain in a tiny condo in the sky- forever- that’ll be me; Ugh I have to do this all again tomorrow.

It. Is. Exhausting.

However I have made some forward strides…mostly by force but still! I’ve started looking for apartments to rent in the same area- I love the area I live in and, as painful as I’m sure its going to be at first, would like to remain there. I can’t keep hoping he is going to change his mind- I have to move forward (though lets face it, I really DO hope he changes his mind 😦  ) I am going to a friends cottage this weekend- all I want to do is sleep all weekend, but relaxing at a cottage should be good for me- humans and distractions and such. Ok so only two forward strides, but trust me- they were hard. It actually sounds ridiculous that those were hard- then again, literally every breath I take in has been hard so..

Oh great- now memories of ‘us’ have come flooding in- currently my 30th Birthday trip to Las Vegas we went on last year. He was so in love with me- I was so in love with him. It’s getting hard to breathe and I am once again trying hard to not break down in gasping sobs. How can this possibly get any easier? How is anyone EVER able to move on from pain like this? How do people do it…I cant see it…I cant figure it out. I am doing only slightly better then the first initial two days. I am desperately scared that I will be one of those people who is hung up on their exes for the rest of their life- I don’t want to be that person. I want to move on, be happy with myself and my life, meet someone amazing who makes me forget the amount of pain and heartache I am enduring now.

I wish I could just sleep through the toughest part of the pain…wake up in a month or two. That would be nice.

Day One

Day one was no fun, day two I hated you, by day three I wish you’d come right back to me…

{Goldfinger- Counting the Days}

I’ve started this blog during the most difficult time of my life- the person I loved most, the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with has decided that though he loves me, he is no longer IN love with me. Technically today is Day Five….and each day has been as equally as painful as the last. Through extensive Google searching out of desperation with the hope of finding a ‘quick fix’ (which deep down I know does not exist) on ‘How To Get Over a Break-Up’ or ‘How To Get Over the Love of Your Life’ I noticed a constant in all of the ‘tips’. It will take time: Many people have been here before and come out the other side shining. Find as many distractions as possible. Let out all of the shitty emotions: cry, scream, sob until you can’t breathe. And finally, write it down- write down exactly how you feel each day, expressing the emotions on paper (or in this case via keyboard) will help you overcome the unbearable-tortuous-seemingly never ending pain. Which brings me to this blog…this is my way of letting it all out. Of letting it all go. Of feeling the unbearable pain, and hopefully soon picking myself up and getting past it. Moving on with life.  So lets begin.

We were together for over a year- we lived together. I have never felt so in-synch, so connected with someone before in my life. We had SO much in common, same silly sense of humour, same taste in music, same taste for adventure- the list goes on and on. Right from the very beginning it was easy. We talked about or future…where we would live, what cars we would have, how to juggle future kids and work. He was there by my side through a few difficult times…’Once this is over we will live happily ever after’ he would say. I knew I had found ‘The One’…or so I thought.  A few months ago he started seeming…off. Not quite himself. He was tired, or having a bad day he would say. It triggered my anxiety and I started to worry- one day I couldn’t take it anymore and I confronted him. He said it. He said that he loved me, but he didn’t think he was still IN love with me. I felt like I had been stabbed in the chest, I couldn’t breathe. How is this possible? We were so happy…so in love. We planned our future, we were supposed to have an amazing life together. He said he hoped it was him, something he was going through and not something to do with ‘us’. He wanted to sort his head out as soon as possible so as not to continue to hurt me. So we carried on for two months…things seemed to be going ok…I thought we were moving past it. That is, until last Friday. We were sitting on our balcony when he asked me how I was finding my therapist (I see a therapist for anxiety once a week) and I told him its going well. He said he thinks he needs to find one. More silence. From here things get a little blurry but goes something along the lines of this: He said he just cant do it anymore, that every day for the past 2 months he has been trying to get that love for me back and it just doesn’t seem to be coming back. Once again I felt like I had been stabbed in the chest. He said he felt like we were more close friends then a couple. I felt like I had been stabbed in the gut. We cried together…a lot. He suggested a break, but I told him I don’t want to be back here in a week or two having this exact same conversation, dragging this out any longer. I told him to keep certain pieces of furniture, to tell his amazing family that I will miss them. He told me we don’t need to talk about those things now…I said we do, because I will not be able to have these conversations later…I wont be able to handle them. I told him to please not contact me to see how I am doing, to only contact me regarding rent/figuring out the condo lease and such because every time his name will come up on my phone I will die a little more inside. He said ok. I told him I will never be able to see him again because I will always want him. I told him if he EVER changed his mind and I was available, I would always take him back. I told him I hated him for begin so kind and thoughtful and amazing…I said I don’t hate you but I do because I have absolutely no reason to get mad. No reason to find some sort of anger towards him to help me detach emotionally. He didn’t want to hurt me, he tried so hard to make it work. He wanted it to work so badly. I packed some things, we hugged one last time and I kept sobbing into his shoulder “I don’t want this to be the last one, I don’t want this to be the last one’ and then I left. Typing this out is actually much much harder then I thought. REALLY hoping the advice to write it all out helps because this is painful. I miss him so so so much. He is constantly on my mind…I keep picturing his face, hearing his voice, hearing his laugh. I keep remembering all of the good times we had. This morning I woke up thinking in great detail about our first date. Being awake is torture, being asleep is torture- I cannot find relief. I find myself constantly saying ‘I cannot do this’ I cant imagine how people get through something like this…but I know they do. I just worry that I will be the one exception, the one person who DOESN’T get through it and carries it for the rest of her life. I keep hoping he will text me and say he made a mistake, that he knows we can make it, that he wants to try again. Its dangerous to think this way, I know. I have to try to look forward. He isn’t going to come back.

Now I face living on my own for the first time ever. Just me and my red Labrador retriever. Currently I am staying at my parents, but they have sold their house and are divorcing. I believe they have the house until the end of August, and then they move away separately. I love the area that we (the ex and I) lived in in Toronto. I think I want to stay in that area, but I am not going to lie…I am scared shitless. Scared of living alone. Scared of living potentially on the same street I used to live with him…the memories. But I do know that is the area I want to be in…I am hoping that over time it will be MY area, not ours.

Then there is the fear of dying alone. I am so scared I will never find someone again, or find someone mediocre and settle for them. I cant imagine that there is another guy out there as amazing as him. People have told me I will find someone better…but I honestly don’t see how there is any better then him. I would give anything to get our life back.

I cannot wait for the day that the pain eases up. That the memories begin to fade. Before that, I know I will have to hear from him…we have to discuss the apartment. I dread that. I dread seeing his name pop up on my phone…the split second thought of ‘what if he changed his mind?!’ then the dark and painful reality of realizing that he hasn’t. He is gone and he is never coming back. He will move on with his life, perhaps meet someone new and they will have the life that we were supposed to have together. That thought absolutely kills me. I keep saying that I miss him so so much. I can’t do this. How can I possibly get over him? I cant breathe.

Trying to keep looking positively ahead….