Day One

Day one was no fun, day two I hated you, by day three I wish you’d come right back to me…

{Goldfinger- Counting the Days}

I’ve started this blog during the most difficult time of my life- the person I loved most, the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with has decided that though he loves me, he is no longer IN love with me. Technically today is Day Five….and each day has been as equally as painful as the last. Through extensive Google searching out of desperation with the hope of finding a ‘quick fix’ (which deep down I know does not exist) on ‘How To Get Over a Break-Up’ or ‘How To Get Over the Love of Your Life’ I noticed a constant in all of the ‘tips’. It will take time: Many people have been here before and come out the other side shining. Find as many distractions as possible. Let out all of the shitty emotions: cry, scream, sob until you can’t breathe. And finally, write it down- write down exactly how you feel each day, expressing the emotions on paper (or in this case via keyboard) will help you overcome the unbearable-tortuous-seemingly never ending pain. Which brings me to this blog…this is my way of letting it all out. Of letting it all go. Of feeling the unbearable pain, and hopefully soon picking myself up and getting past it. Moving on with life.  So lets begin.

We were together for over a year- we lived together. I have never felt so in-synch, so connected with someone before in my life. We had SO much in common, same silly sense of humour, same taste in music, same taste for adventure- the list goes on and on. Right from the very beginning it was easy. We talked about or future…where we would live, what cars we would have, how to juggle future kids and work. He was there by my side through a few difficult times…’Once this is over we will live happily ever after’ he would say. I knew I had found ‘The One’…or so I thought.  A few months ago he started seeming…off. Not quite himself. He was tired, or having a bad day he would say. It triggered my anxiety and I started to worry- one day I couldn’t take it anymore and I confronted him. He said it. He said that he loved me, but he didn’t think he was still IN love with me. I felt like I had been stabbed in the chest, I couldn’t breathe. How is this possible? We were so happy…so in love. We planned our future, we were supposed to have an amazing life together. He said he hoped it was him, something he was going through and not something to do with ‘us’. He wanted to sort his head out as soon as possible so as not to continue to hurt me. So we carried on for two months…things seemed to be going ok…I thought we were moving past it. That is, until last Friday. We were sitting on our balcony when he asked me how I was finding my therapist (I see a therapist for anxiety once a week) and I told him its going well. He said he thinks he needs to find one. More silence. From here things get a little blurry but goes something along the lines of this: He said he just cant do it anymore, that every day for the past 2 months he has been trying to get that love for me back and it just doesn’t seem to be coming back. Once again I felt like I had been stabbed in the chest. He said he felt like we were more close friends then a couple. I felt like I had been stabbed in the gut. We cried together…a lot. He suggested a break, but I told him I don’t want to be back here in a week or two having this exact same conversation, dragging this out any longer. I told him to keep certain pieces of furniture, to tell his amazing family that I will miss them. He told me we don’t need to talk about those things now…I said we do, because I will not be able to have these conversations later…I wont be able to handle them. I told him to please not contact me to see how I am doing, to only contact me regarding rent/figuring out the condo lease and such because every time his name will come up on my phone I will die a little more inside. He said ok. I told him I will never be able to see him again because I will always want him. I told him if he EVER changed his mind and I was available, I would always take him back. I told him I hated him for begin so kind and thoughtful and amazing…I said I don’t hate you but I do because I have absolutely no reason to get mad. No reason to find some sort of anger towards him to help me detach emotionally. He didn’t want to hurt me, he tried so hard to make it work. He wanted it to work so badly. I packed some things, we hugged one last time and I kept sobbing into his shoulder “I don’t want this to be the last one, I don’t want this to be the last one’ and then I left. Typing this out is actually much much harder then I thought. REALLY hoping the advice to write it all out helps because this is painful. I miss him so so so much. He is constantly on my mind…I keep picturing his face, hearing his voice, hearing his laugh. I keep remembering all of the good times we had. This morning I woke up thinking in great detail about our first date. Being awake is torture, being asleep is torture- I cannot find relief. I find myself constantly saying ‘I cannot do this’ I cant imagine how people get through something like this…but I know they do. I just worry that I will be the one exception, the one person who DOESN’T get through it and carries it for the rest of her life. I keep hoping he will text me and say he made a mistake, that he knows we can make it, that he wants to try again. Its dangerous to think this way, I know. I have to try to look forward. He isn’t going to come back.

Now I face living on my own for the first time ever. Just me and my red Labrador retriever. Currently I am staying at my parents, but they have sold their house and are divorcing. I believe they have the house until the end of August, and then they move away separately. I love the area that we (the ex and I) lived in in Toronto. I think I want to stay in that area, but I am not going to lie…I am scared shitless. Scared of living alone. Scared of living potentially on the same street I used to live with him…the memories. But I do know that is the area I want to be in…I am hoping that over time it will be MY area, not ours.

Then there is the fear of dying alone. I am so scared I will never find someone again, or find someone mediocre and settle for them. I cant imagine that there is another guy out there as amazing as him. People have told me I will find someone better…but I honestly don’t see how there is any better then him. I would give anything to get our life back.

I cannot wait for the day that the pain eases up. That the memories begin to fade. Before that, I know I will have to hear from him…we have to discuss the apartment. I dread that. I dread seeing his name pop up on my phone…the split second thought of ‘what if he changed his mind?!’ then the dark and painful reality of realizing that he hasn’t. He is gone and he is never coming back. He will move on with his life, perhaps meet someone new and they will have the life that we were supposed to have together. That thought absolutely kills me. I keep saying that I miss him so so much. I can’t do this. How can I possibly get over him? I cant breathe.

Trying to keep looking positively ahead….

 

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