Well…the emotional rollercoaster that is my life continues. I have been having more ups and downs in a day then I can count- truly is exhausting.
I have always liked Adele…not my main musical-genre preference, but I enjoy her music- but now…NOW its like every song, every word, is written just for me. Sort of makes me cringe at myself haha (SEE I’m starting to laugh again. sort of)
Today started off much the same as the last 5…had to force myself up and out of bed, ready myself for work, look after the dog, emotionally prepare for another day of being human- fast forward to work: get as much done as possible first thing in the morning, before my brain starts its trip. Today I have (in no consecutive order, but in rapid continuous succession) thought that: Maybe things might actually be ok in my life eventually and I will find happiness again; my GOD I have to live on my own; what if I pushed him away with my anxiety (that I thought I was actually starting to get a grip on); what if he is seeing someone else already (cue my eyes welling up at my desk…at work); I think I’m going to buy a new car this Fall; I’m going to be so alone, what if I move out on my own and I have no friends near me- how can I make new friends-I’m so weird and NOT your typical cool classy 30 year old city female; I miss him so so much; Can’t breathe- also that feeling I’m being stabbed in the chest is returning; Hope I sleep better tonight; How can he not want me? HOW could he let me go??!; Maybe in the semi-near-future (but after an appropriate mourning/getting over period) I WILL meet that ‘someone’ randomly…walking the dog…at the gym…etc; No…no I’m pretty sure I’m going to die alone; Yeah alone, sad, in pain in a tiny condo in the sky- forever- that’ll be me; Ugh I have to do this all again tomorrow.
It. Is. Exhausting.
However I have made some forward strides…mostly by force but still! I’ve started looking for apartments to rent in the same area- I love the area I live in and, as painful as I’m sure its going to be at first, would like to remain there. I can’t keep hoping he is going to change his mind- I have to move forward (though lets face it, I really DO hope he changes his mind 😦 ) I am going to a friends cottage this weekend- all I want to do is sleep all weekend, but relaxing at a cottage should be good for me- humans and distractions and such. Ok so only two forward strides, but trust me- they were hard. It actually sounds ridiculous that those were hard- then again, literally every breath I take in has been hard so..
Oh great- now memories of ‘us’ have come flooding in- currently my 30th Birthday trip to Las Vegas we went on last year. He was so in love with me- I was so in love with him. It’s getting hard to breathe and I am once again trying hard to not break down in gasping sobs. How can this possibly get any easier? How is anyone EVER able to move on from pain like this? How do people do it…I cant see it…I cant figure it out. I am doing only slightly better then the first initial two days. I am desperately scared that I will be one of those people who is hung up on their exes for the rest of their life- I don’t want to be that person. I want to move on, be happy with myself and my life, meet someone amazing who makes me forget the amount of pain and heartache I am enduring now.
I wish I could just sleep through the toughest part of the pain…wake up in a month or two. That would be nice.