A new week has begun. Breathing is a little easier, being awake is a little easier, optimism and hope seem to be sticking around for longer periods of time. The stabs of pain still come and go, random bursts of tears, anxiety and fear- of the loss and of the future- pop up when I least expect it. I do feel like I have turned a tiny corner though.
This weekend, while lounging on a giant inflatable swan, can of rose wine in one hand, sunglasses on, The Verve’s ‘Bitter Sweet Symphony’ coming out of the Bose speaker, I felt a sense of calm come over me. It was the first time in a long time that I felt normal, (almost) stress-free, and I knew that everything would eventually be ok. After said can of rose wine I even got up the courage to go into my phone and delete all of the pictures of us. That was hard. Re-living and removing our history in pictures, over a year of my life, the memories, the fun. Gone. I still get breath-stopping moments of sadness. I still miss him so much.
This week my focus is going to be forward: Finding a new place to live, sorting out moving out of where we used to live. Unfortunately it isn’t all cut and dry. Finding a decent, yet affordable place for me to live on my own (with the dog of course, she is my baby) in the same neighborhood is proving difficult. My aunt knows a real estate agent who specializes in finding rentals, so hopefully that will help. The storage unit I wanted to keep my things in until I find a place to live is currently full- so I am waiting to hear back from them to see if they will have an August 1 opening. Tonight…tonight I have to text him. I have to tell him my plans to (hopefully) move out on August 5th, to find out how much my half of the next two months of rent is so I can send it to him. He goes to visit his parents across the country this Friday- a trip we were supposed to take together. A trip I was looking forward to for a very very long time. A trip I will never get to take. When I think of that, the feeling of being stabbed in the chest comes back and it gets hard to breathe. I know it may sound over dramatic…but it is really hard. I don’t want to have to talk to him, but I know I have to. I figure once my things are out, I can begin to move on a little. Once I find place of my own to live in, I can begin to relax, move forward, figure out this new life of mine on my own. Apparently a lot of the buildings in this neighborhood have bed bugs and/or cockroaches- which I found surprising because it is a nice area- REALLY hoping I can find a nice, clean place to live that isn’t far away. Kind of stressed about that. Once I get through those obstacles I will actually begin to heal- nothing will be blocking the way then.
I still keep wishing he would change his mind. I know that isn’t going to happen though. Multiple people have told me that they understand that I am hurting, and that I am sad, but in all likelihood he is not hurting or as sad- he will likely have begun to move on in life already, so I need to do that too. I need to stop focusing on what was, and start focusing on what is. Stop mourning the life I had and the future I thought I would have, and start getting excited about all of the possibilities that are now before me. To be honest though, I’m scared shitless. Scared to live on my own, scared to meet new friends. If I ever DO meet someone worth dating, I worry I won’t be able to trust them. Who’s to say they wont hurt me the same way or worse? I know there is no way to ever know that and that there are indeed some decent people out there- I just find it hard to believe I will be lucky enough to find one. I thought I had…look where that got me…