Stuck

I feel so stuck. I hate having to rely on others before I can move forward….and its made even worse in the emotional mental state I’ve been in for the past week and a half. I am trying to find a new, decent place to live in the same neighbourhood…the real estate friend is not getting back to me, I haven’t heard from him since Monday despite me sending an email yesterday and once this morning. I understand people get busy…but it still stresses me out. I am also worried that I wont be able to rent a place of my own if my name is the secondary name on another lease (the one I rent with my ex). We are still in the first year of that lease so if we are allowed to break it there will likely be a financial penalty…which is fine with me. The thing is, in order for my name to be taken off of that lease, the landlord needs a letter each from myself and my ex stating that he (the ex) is aware I am moving out. Then they will reapply him to rent on his own (or he can see if the lease can be broken early) I relayed this information to him via text yesterday, and asked him if he could do it today (yesterday) or tomorrow (today). His one line response was ‘ok, I’ll look into it’. I have no idea when he plans on doing it, if at all- but I know he is a decent person so I hope for my sake he does so quickly. I still have not yet heard back from the storage unit place to see if they will have a unit opening August 1st for me to keep my things in until I find a place. I did however manage to book the service elevator for August 5th, so atleast I can move my things out that day for sure. Small victory! If I have to keep everything in my parents garage and then move it all to my Dads house when he moves at the end of August then so be it. My main concern is finding a place to live. I feel so stuck. I know I will relax a little when I have a place to call my own- then and only then I will truly be able to move onward.

I feel this constant wave of anxiety and stress pulsating through my body. That in itself is torture. I also had a dream about him last night. Today I keep having flashbacks of the happy times over the past year and a bit. I hate that. I hate that my mind keeps torturing me like this…meanwhile he is likely doing his own thing, emotionally over the sadness of me not being in his life, moving forward. I’m here, stuck in this emotional hell every.single.day. I just want to scream and run away from it all- keep running until I am far away from everyone and everything. Then I want to sleep- I want to sleep for months until all of this is sorted and my head is more clear. I nearly had a panic attack in my bosses office near the end of the day yesterday because of all of this- its just so overwhelming at times. I just feel so stuck in, like I cant handle this, I can’t do it. I know that that kind of talk is dangerous and will only keep me in this mind-set but fighting for optimism and any tiny shred of happiness is so exhausting. Having to show up to work and fake happy perkiness for 8.5 hours a day while trying to deal with all of this shit on the side is exhausting. I just cant do it anymore, and it hasn’t even been two weeks- I don’t know how much more of this I can take- day in and day out. Never ending.

If anyone out there has been where I am now (or can relate in any way)…I would LOVE to hear how you got through it…the good the bad and the ugly. I know I am not alone, and I am not the first person to be dealing with this…It’s just nice to be reminded of that with some real life concrete examples.

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