Killing Me With Kindness

Emotionally…I am not doing so well. I feel like I have taken 10 steps backwards- it feels like it did right after it ended exactly two weeks ago. I spoke with him via text last night- asked him to send the letter to the landlord- He said he did. Then he was just being so kind…He asked if I wanted him to move to a different area in the Fall  so that I wouldn’t have to worry about running into him, told me to take the TV we purchased together, anything in the kitchen I wanted (as he would replace it all), said if I ever needed someone to look after the dog he would do it. Said I deserve to be treated well.

Today- in 1.5 hours in fact, I was supposed to leave work early and head to the airport with him. We were supposed to go visit his parents for a week. Instead I will spend my week off at my parents house…trying to pick myself back up. I am moving my stuff out of the apartment next Saturday, so the thought of that is constantly hanging over me. This is all so hard. All so painful. I can’t seem to be optimistic about anything at all…not even for a few seconds. I woke up this morning feeling so sad, so broken, and so lonely. I miss him so much…it hurts. I keep reminding myself that he doesn’t want me, that he isn’t coming back, and that I deserve someone who actually wants to spend their time with me. I still can’t seem to get mad at him. I cant get mad at him for telling me that being with me felt more platonic that passionate. I cant get mad at him for saying that it was hard for him to want to sit on the couch all evening to watch TV with me. He didn’t say those things in a mean way…he was just being honest with how he felt. I can’t fault him for that…he can’t and shouldn’t force feelings. I don’t know why I’ve put him on such a pedestal. I can’t seem to take him down.

I want this feeling of brokenness to go away. I want to feel like me again. I want to feel whole. The fear of that never happening is still very much at the forefront of my thoughts…its only been two weeks, but at the same time its been two weeks. The only real change is that I’m eating almost a normal amount of food again. The sadness, the pain, the heartache is still just as strong. I should be feeling even a tiny shift in the right direction, shouldn’t I? The longing should have lessened a tiny miniscule bit, shouldn’t it? I don’t want to want him at all. I want to be ok with the fact that he is gone, that he let me go, discarded me…us….our future. And that’s just it….HE let us go. HE did this to me. HE is the reason each and every day is an absolute struggle to get through. HE is the reason I am not feeling myself…the reason why I don’t feel like making any effort in my appearance when I go out or go to work. HE is the reason I want to spend my days on the couch or in bed wallowing.

I just feel so overwhelmed. Swallowed by all of this intense negative emotion. I feel like I’m drowning and there is no way out. I want to get over this, get over him, feel like a normal 30 year old…but I am so scared that I wont. That this will be my life from now on….

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