A Positive Shift

It has been awhile since I last posted. I feel (almost) like a completely different person. I feel like I have made great progress forward. As cliché as it may sounds, I almost feel free.

Something in me shifted over the past couple of weeks. My optimism is returning, I’m smiling and laughing more, I am now excited to move into my new place in October, I can sort of almost see the light and the end of the tunnel. I know I will come out of this at some point soon and I will absolutely be ok. Happy even. There are SO many things I can do.

I’ve begun researching things to do, and things to join in the new area of the city I will be living in. I’ve already signed up for a one-time charcuterie class- learning the basics on how to do it, and why certain processes are done. It’s not something I’ve ever thought of doing, but I came across it and thought ‘well I like eating that food, would be neat to learn how to make it!”….even though I definitely do not own a smoker or any of the other necessary tools to actually do it myself one day haha I will also likely join the gym near by…perhaps look for other classes to join or places to volunteer at on the weekend throughout the city. I can literally do and try whatever I want…and the great thing is I want to try everything…this thought is so freeing and exciting. Never before have I wanted to do or try so many things, and on my own. I’m shy by nature, yet I am facing that fear and looking at it as a challenge and just (willingly) throwing myself head on into situations where I am on my own (see charcuterie class above). I’m excited to figure out me.

Recently I have been trying to focus on me…in little ways. For the next two months (since I will be living in or near my hometown) I joined a gym (I have been part of this gym sporadically over the past 10 years, so I know it well) I went for the first time yesterday and, though I need to build up my strength and endurance again, it felt great! I haven’t done a proper work out in over a year…so I’m hurting today haha I’ve also been having weekly reflexology sessions. If you have never had reflexology done before, I HIGHLY recommend it. It is so relaxing and I always feel so calm and relaxed afterwards. It’s basically like a foot massage but it deals with all of the pressure points on your foot, and each pressure point is associated with a different part of the body (Google will do a better job at explaining it then I can). I am also having once a week sessions with a woman who helps me meditate/calm my thoughts (she is also intuitive- I forget the actual term for what she does) Some people would consider it stupid or a waste of time and money, but honestly its helped clear my mind and my thoughts and I think it has been a big part of my optimism coming back. I went in with no expectations the first time, and I’ve gone back twice since because I got that much out of it. I also booked a trip to Scotland for the third week of September. I have a friend who lives in the North East…she lives on a farm, far from any city and I am SO looking forward to re-charging in a completely new environment (complete with donkeys, chickens, ducks, dogs, and other animals). After every significant break up I have had, I always get the urge to run away- I satisfy that urge by going on a trip. In the past I have gone to Halifax (twice) and Belfast, this time its Northern Scotland. It really does help heal the heart and the soul, plus it gives me something to focus on in the future, to get through any current pain that may pop up.

I have been so busy looking forward that I haven’t spent much time looking back. Don’t get me wrong, there have been a few bad days…bad hours, bad moments. I’m sure there still will be for a bit…but the great thing is, I feel completely different. I can’t even honestly tell you if I still miss him or not. The small amount that I have grown over the past few weeks, I can already say that I do know I will never go back (if the opportunity came up) I know it would not be a healthy thing to do, and I know I am worth SO much more then that. I think I do still have moments of longing…but that is longing of what was (WAY back when…when things were good), not what could have been. I do still feel a small amount of pain every once in awhile, but I am starting to sleep better, I am dreaming of him less- he doesn’t take over the majority of my thoughts anymore. I can think of memories of us and not feel like I’m being stabbed in the chest- I still don’t feel great when I think about them, but still its progress. I do still get the fear of dying alone or settling…but I need to trust my intuition, actually listen to it for once- and if I can figure out how to do that, then I think I will be ok.

Also, at work we started listening to Q107 in the front office. I don’t know why but it has helped keep me calm and sane at work (I think it is still considered a classic rock station)…honestly, that radio station is like a hug for the ears. I’ve never really listened to that station before (except when in the car with my Dad) but it is now in my rotation in the car- though my number one is still CBC talk radio (allows me to focus my mind on their words instead of my thoughts)

Anyways enough about radio stations. I’m hoping this positive shift sticks around and gets even stronger. It’s only Monday but already its been a great start to the week!

 

 

Pondering After Malbec

Hello. It’s been a few days…almost a week in fact. Not to sound too….over dramatic, but I feel like I’ve been floating somewhere in-between reality and a sort of nothingness. Despite how negative it sounds, I don’t think its TOO bad. The worst part of the day is the time in-between falling asleep and actually being asleep. No amount of reading or binge-watching Orange is the New Black can solve that…there is always going to be those moments between turning off the light, and actually drifting off to sleep. That time scares me. I feel the anxiety rising. I don’t want to think about him, or us- and sure I can keep busy during the day- but during those 5-10 minutes, any thoughts are possible- those thoughts are possible.

I am off work this week. Sure, in a life that could have been, I would be across the country…with the ex, visiting his family. But the reality is I am not. I am here…In my old bedroom, in the house I grew up in. I may seem slightly off- I am slightly off- I just came home from an open-mic night with my mom….at the pub I used to frequent in my early 20’s with my friends. I had a few glasses of wine….my Mom doesn’t drink. I’ve never gone to a bar with her before- it was different. Fun though. In any case, for the past few days I’ve felt like I should make a post, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Apparently two glasses of wine is just the push I needed. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you what day it is. Getting out of bed is still so so difficult and takes a lot of time, will-power, and self talk. I hate being like this. Never before have I felt such a lack of control…such an inability to function as a ‘normal’ human being. I’d say that I am, on some level, depressed. Temporarily depressed, but depressed nonetheless. It’s scary….being un able and unwilling to do things that come naturally. Get out of bed. Feed yourself. Get outdoors. I force myself to do these things, because I know if I don’t then I risk falling deeper and deeper into it.

I have had some moments of hope for the future. After days of mentally preparing, today I finally booked a few apartment viewings for tomorrow. I’m scared…scared to live on my own, scared to be on my own. It will be good for me though….I have never experienced that before- now is as good a time as any. Sure I’m afraid of picking the wrong place to live- wherever I choose, I’m stuck there for twelve months. But once I find a place, a place I am actually excited about, I think it will be good.

I still cry randomly. I still feel the gut-wrenching pain randomly. I had a near-panic attack before going out tonight…I don’t even know why. Something about what I was wearing. Anyways. The fear of dying alone is still at the forefront of my mind. I will meet someone else, that I know. It will happen at some point eventually- but will they be the right kind of person. Over the past few days I have done some reflection. I have taken the dog (who I think I will refer to from now on as the lab…because that is what she is- a labrador retriever) Anyways I have take the lab on many walks and have had lots of time to think and reflect. I am wondering if the ex ever truly loved me. I know know he loved the idea of me- Which I know sounds cliche, but hear me out; He wanted to want the type of future with me that he talked about so passionately. He wanted to want the SUV, the kids, the house in the suburbs. When push came to shove, when reality came in to play, he got scared. I saw it before we moved in- he had a moment before we signed the lease. We both passed it off as him being afraid of change and needing a bit of time to adjust. Looking back, I see this sort of life isn’t for him. I am the easy going, no-drama if it can be avoided type of girl. I just don’t see the point in unnecessary negativity and fighting over stupid things. But there were times where I felt like this wasn’t the life for him…that he was longing for something more…something different. More intense…more drama perhaps? I don’t know. Who’s to say for sure. I don’t even know if he knows. I just feel like life with me was too easy (re: too boring) sure we did a lot; baseball games, TONS of concerts….there was no event or outing I would say no to. My way of looking at life is that its short: there are SO many things to do, and I want to do and experience as much as possible. But I feel like I didn’t challenge him enough as a partner. We never fought…I don’t like fighting. Sure if there is something worth fighting about I would stand my ground…but we never had anything worth fighting over. I loved that. I don’t think that was enough for him. I know it is not fair to assume. He has his reasons for not wanting me, even if he doesn’t know exactly what those are. But on my end, with little explanation, I need to justify it somehow. I hate missing him. I hate missing our life. I deserve someone who wants to spend time with me. I am not perfect, but I think am pretty damn awesome, quirks and all. I am not uptight, I am not controlling. I don’t know what he is looking for but I know it will be hard for him to find someone who treats him as well as I did…who loves him like I did. I hope one day he realizes just exactly what he let go of. And if I may be so bold (re: bitchy), I hope he regrets letting me go. Of course I also hope that I find someone who loves me for me. Who loves me so much that it just..fits.

This concludes the semi-drunken me. Till next time…