It has been awhile since I last posted. I feel (almost) like a completely different person. I feel like I have made great progress forward. As cliché as it may sounds, I almost feel free.
Something in me shifted over the past couple of weeks. My optimism is returning, I’m smiling and laughing more, I am now excited to move into my new place in October, I can sort of almost see the light and the end of the tunnel. I know I will come out of this at some point soon and I will absolutely be ok. Happy even. There are SO many things I can do.
I’ve begun researching things to do, and things to join in the new area of the city I will be living in. I’ve already signed up for a one-time charcuterie class- learning the basics on how to do it, and why certain processes are done. It’s not something I’ve ever thought of doing, but I came across it and thought ‘well I like eating that food, would be neat to learn how to make it!”….even though I definitely do not own a smoker or any of the other necessary tools to actually do it myself one day haha I will also likely join the gym near by…perhaps look for other classes to join or places to volunteer at on the weekend throughout the city. I can literally do and try whatever I want…and the great thing is I want to try everything…this thought is so freeing and exciting. Never before have I wanted to do or try so many things, and on my own. I’m shy by nature, yet I am facing that fear and looking at it as a challenge and just (willingly) throwing myself head on into situations where I am on my own (see charcuterie class above). I’m excited to figure out me.
Recently I have been trying to focus on me…in little ways. For the next two months (since I will be living in or near my hometown) I joined a gym (I have been part of this gym sporadically over the past 10 years, so I know it well) I went for the first time yesterday and, though I need to build up my strength and endurance again, it felt great! I haven’t done a proper work out in over a year…so I’m hurting today haha I’ve also been having weekly reflexology sessions. If you have never had reflexology done before, I HIGHLY recommend it. It is so relaxing and I always feel so calm and relaxed afterwards. It’s basically like a foot massage but it deals with all of the pressure points on your foot, and each pressure point is associated with a different part of the body (Google will do a better job at explaining it then I can). I am also having once a week sessions with a woman who helps me meditate/calm my thoughts (she is also intuitive- I forget the actual term for what she does) Some people would consider it stupid or a waste of time and money, but honestly its helped clear my mind and my thoughts and I think it has been a big part of my optimism coming back. I went in with no expectations the first time, and I’ve gone back twice since because I got that much out of it. I also booked a trip to Scotland for the third week of September. I have a friend who lives in the North East…she lives on a farm, far from any city and I am SO looking forward to re-charging in a completely new environment (complete with donkeys, chickens, ducks, dogs, and other animals). After every significant break up I have had, I always get the urge to run away- I satisfy that urge by going on a trip. In the past I have gone to Halifax (twice) and Belfast, this time its Northern Scotland. It really does help heal the heart and the soul, plus it gives me something to focus on in the future, to get through any current pain that may pop up.
I have been so busy looking forward that I haven’t spent much time looking back. Don’t get me wrong, there have been a few bad days…bad hours, bad moments. I’m sure there still will be for a bit…but the great thing is, I feel completely different. I can’t even honestly tell you if I still miss him or not. The small amount that I have grown over the past few weeks, I can already say that I do know I will never go back (if the opportunity came up) I know it would not be a healthy thing to do, and I know I am worth SO much more then that. I think I do still have moments of longing…but that is longing of what was (WAY back when…when things were good), not what could have been. I do still feel a small amount of pain every once in awhile, but I am starting to sleep better, I am dreaming of him less- he doesn’t take over the majority of my thoughts anymore. I can think of memories of us and not feel like I’m being stabbed in the chest- I still don’t feel great when I think about them, but still its progress. I do still get the fear of dying alone or settling…but I need to trust my intuition, actually listen to it for once- and if I can figure out how to do that, then I think I will be ok.
Also, at work we started listening to Q107 in the front office. I don’t know why but it has helped keep me calm and sane at work (I think it is still considered a classic rock station)…honestly, that radio station is like a hug for the ears. I’ve never really listened to that station before (except when in the car with my Dad) but it is now in my rotation in the car- though my number one is still CBC talk radio (allows me to focus my mind on their words instead of my thoughts)
Anyways enough about radio stations. I’m hoping this positive shift sticks around and gets even stronger. It’s only Monday but already its been a great start to the week!