Pondering After Malbec

Hello. It’s been a few days…almost a week in fact. Not to sound too….over dramatic, but I feel like I’ve been floating somewhere in-between reality and a sort of nothingness. Despite how negative it sounds, I don’t think its TOO bad. The worst part of the day is the time in-between falling asleep and actually being asleep. No amount of reading or binge-watching Orange is the New Black can solve that…there is always going to be those moments between turning off the light, and actually drifting off to sleep. That time scares me. I feel the anxiety rising. I don’t want to think about him, or us- and sure I can keep busy during the day- but during those 5-10 minutes, any thoughts are possible- those thoughts are possible.

I am off work this week. Sure, in a life that could have been, I would be across the country…with the ex, visiting his family. But the reality is I am not. I am here…In my old bedroom, in the house I grew up in. I may seem slightly off- I am slightly off- I just came home from an open-mic night with my mom….at the pub I used to frequent in my early 20’s with my friends. I had a few glasses of wine….my Mom doesn’t drink. I’ve never gone to a bar with her before- it was different. Fun though. In any case, for the past few days I’ve felt like I should make a post, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Apparently two glasses of wine is just the push I needed. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you what day it is. Getting out of bed is still so so difficult and takes a lot of time, will-power, and self talk. I hate being like this. Never before have I felt such a lack of control…such an inability to function as a ‘normal’ human being. I’d say that I am, on some level, depressed. Temporarily depressed, but depressed nonetheless. It’s scary….being un able and unwilling to do things that come naturally. Get out of bed. Feed yourself. Get outdoors. I force myself to do these things, because I know if I don’t then I risk falling deeper and deeper into it.

I have had some moments of hope for the future. After days of mentally preparing, today I finally booked a few apartment viewings for tomorrow. I’m scared…scared to live on my own, scared to be on my own. It will be good for me though….I have never experienced that before- now is as good a time as any. Sure I’m afraid of picking the wrong place to live- wherever I choose, I’m stuck there for twelve months. But once I find a place, a place I am actually excited about, I think it will be good.

I still cry randomly. I still feel the gut-wrenching pain randomly. I had a near-panic attack before going out tonight…I don’t even know why. Something about what I was wearing. Anyways. The fear of dying alone is still at the forefront of my mind. I will meet someone else, that I know. It will happen at some point eventually- but will they be the right kind of person. Over the past few days I have done some reflection. I have taken the dog (who I think I will refer to from now on as the lab…because that is what she is- a labrador retriever) Anyways I have take the lab on many walks and have had lots of time to think and reflect. I am wondering if the ex ever truly loved me. I know know he loved the idea of me- Which I know sounds cliche, but hear me out; He wanted to want the type of future with me that he talked about so passionately. He wanted to want the SUV, the kids, the house in the suburbs. When push came to shove, when reality came in to play, he got scared. I saw it before we moved in- he had a moment before we signed the lease. We both passed it off as him being afraid of change and needing a bit of time to adjust. Looking back, I see this sort of life isn’t for him. I am the easy going, no-drama if it can be avoided type of girl. I just don’t see the point in unnecessary negativity and fighting over stupid things. But there were times where I felt like this wasn’t the life for him…that he was longing for something more…something different. More intense…more drama perhaps? I don’t know. Who’s to say for sure. I don’t even know if he knows. I just feel like life with me was too easy (re: too boring) sure we did a lot; baseball games, TONS of concerts….there was no event or outing I would say no to. My way of looking at life is that its short: there are SO many things to do, and I want to do and experience as much as possible. But I feel like I didn’t challenge him enough as a partner. We never fought…I don’t like fighting. Sure if there is something worth fighting about I would stand my ground…but we never had anything worth fighting over. I loved that. I don’t think that was enough for him. I know it is not fair to assume. He has his reasons for not wanting me, even if he doesn’t know exactly what those are. But on my end, with little explanation, I need to justify it somehow. I hate missing him. I hate missing our life. I deserve someone who wants to spend time with me. I am not perfect, but I think am pretty damn awesome, quirks and all. I am not uptight, I am not controlling. I don’t know what he is looking for but I know it will be hard for him to find someone who treats him as well as I did…who loves him like I did. I hope one day he realizes just exactly what he let go of. And if I may be so bold (re: bitchy), I hope he regrets letting me go. Of course I also hope that I find someone who loves me for me. Who loves me so much that it just..fits.

This concludes the semi-drunken me. Till next time…

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